Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 11, 2015
Was late to work today because I was busy taking a personality quiz on which Lion King character I am.
— Patrick Tanner (@dptanner) August 7, 2015
I stuck my hand into a coin-filled fountain and used $3.99 of other people's wishes to buy a burrito.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 25, 2015
*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) October 30, 2015
One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) June 15, 2015
I don't know my own phone number but I do know my best friend's ex boyfriend's aunt's Hulu password.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 22, 2015
I found an old soy sauce packet in my makeup case this morning and had to pretend to be confused
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) February 2, 2015